Families & Relationships...

Growing up, I was taught to hold my head high, love myself and to shun the negative opinions of others; this lesson has been embedded in me from a child and as a result I don't know any other way to be. Clinging to this message given to me by the strong women in my life has reared my confidence and certainty in who I am, allowing sly remarks to roll off of my shoulder like a raindrop off of an umbrella. But mama never taught me how to deal with the opinions of those who are close to me or the opinions of those who are close to the man I love. How do I do that? Do I deprogram myself of the last 29 years of my life and start all over again entering the cruel and rejecting world of acceptance? Or do I continue to not care, giving the air of arrogance and cockiness, similar to one of Terrance Howard in The Best Man?

My interest was peaked to write this piece when a male friend of mine shared his martial experience with me and how his ex-wife's family played a part in the demise of their marriage. "My ex-wife has seventeen siblings and they're all close. The one thing I hated about them is that they were always in our affairs and my ex-wife allowed them to be, especially her mother..." Immediately I pictured the relationship between the Kardashians and Kortney's boyfriend/baby daddy, Scott; her family despising this man so much they will do whatever it takes to drive a wedge between the two because of their disapproving opinions of him. I couldn't help but to wonder how much of a role families play in relationships. If there is tension, how should one go about dealing with it? Listening to his story brought me back to my own relationship and how there is tension so thick between me and certain people in my man's family that it's palpable; you can cut it with a knife, but even with the obvious, how much of an influence does that have on our relationship? Some people have told me it plays a major part and others have told me, "the love you both have for each other is 90% of the battle the other 10% can be worked out."

I'm still pondering how much of a reality that is for us. It's easy for an outsider (me) to see the flaws in his family, but when does he see them? Or does he but isn't willing to risk his relationship with them? And if he chooses to accept the unacceptable from his family, in time, where will that leave us? Relationship counselor, Dr. Charmain Saunders, says, "Family influence sometimes is subtle, sometimes blatant. At approximately 30, we begin to view our families in a new light. We seem them more objectively, as if a set of blinkers has been removed. They appear more ordinary, more human and much more flawed. If we accept this new insight, our relationships with parents and siblings will actually improve and deepen but we always have the option to reject the less-than-wonderful version of these people or continue in denial and avoidance, dooming ourselves forever to superficial interactions. When we become adults, our relationships with family members have to change to come extent, no matter how much we resist. It's through family life that we learnt co-dependence originally. If we wish to change this way of living, we need to shed such entrenched habits as handing over our personal power, taking on problems and emotions that don't belong to us and seeking our self-worth in the eyes of others."

Recently, my man stood for me in a way that he never has before, with me present at least, and it made me fall in love with him all over again. I can't help but to see and feel the shift that Dr. Saunders speaks of in the dynamic of family. This shift I'm feeling reminds me of the scripture Mark 10:7, "And the two shall become one in flesh; so thy are no longer two, but one in flesh." I'm striving to mimic my life the above painting so eloquently depicts.