I wanted to cut him, but I cut my hair instead...

In a state of ambiguity and change, I woke up one morning with the feeling of needing to do something drastic to regain control. I wasn't acting out of character, well maybe I was, but not in a crazy, this broad has gone 51/50 on us type of acting out, but rather me not really understanding my feelings and what was happening with me or my relationship. I was starting to do things that I wouldn't have even dreamed of doing, there was a boldness about me that was starting to emerge and it scared the shit out of me. I didn't even recognize the woman who stood before me in the mirror, it was as if I was shedding old skin and coming into a newness that was un-chartered; I was coming to a turning point where I needed more, I wanted more and a decision had to be made, but I was too afraid to make it. Thoughts of fear haunted me like ghosts of the past and I needed to conquer it, especially since I believe in a God who isn't of fear.

Coming to the realization that I wasn't necessarily where I wanted to be with the man that I love wasn't easy to admit. Facing the truth about myself, my flaws and my growth also was challenging because you can start to feel like maybe you're out growing the person you feel deemed to be with, it happens, and since I was starting to have these feelings I had to question myself, "Trudi, do you want to dumb yourself down and go with the flow or stand for what you believe is true to you and not budge?" Battling these thoughts I woke up one morning and said, "That's it, CUT IT! I wanted it off of me." I needed to start fresh and anew within myself and cutting my hair was the first step in conquering my fear of letting go. I never in a million years would have thought that I would chop my hair off, but while I was in that chair, the lower my stylist went with the clippers the lower I wanted her to go. It was as if my hair was symbolic for cutting the bullshit out of my life and I needed this cut to be as low and funky as possible because I was morphing into that person, that person who wants to lay low, not have to open my mouth, but let my actions do the speaking for me. I needed to be that funky person so that if it came to having to let him go my swag wouldn't go with him.

I needed to know for myself that as long as I'd been with my hair I could let it go if I needed to, if I wanted to and if I could do that then I can also let go of a situation that seemingly was at a standstill. And since we were at a standstill that is what I did, I stood still and waited for the whisper to God to fill my ear to let me know my next move. I'm learning that all the answers aren't going to come right away and I'm relieved that I didn't have to let my love go and that we're finding a balance, a happy medium in our relationship that isn't compromising our beliefs as individuals, but instead, building our foundation and reminding us of why we're together and why we chose each other in the first place. The bonus in my transformation is that he got a new woman, a woman who is in the process of reinventing herself and is having fun in doing so. I was once told, "If you're afraid to let him go he's already gone, it's just a matter of when he leaves." I've found that in not being afraid to let him go, I didn't have to.

Trudi