Picking the Brains of Single Black Men

Last night, as I sat in a Haitian restaurant in Brooklyn having great food and conversation with friends, I almost choked on my ice as my male friend sitting next to me opened the flood gates on dating as a single man, "I don't date multiple women, what is dating?"  I looked over at my girlfriend and saw that she was just as confused as I was, which let me know that I heard this man correctly; I had the green light to go in.  "What do you mean you don't date? I'm sure there is more than one women in your life, you don't consider yourself dating them?"  Without hesitation he says, "No, I don't.  I mean look, I'm pretty much a loner and the women I date we hook up and keep it movin'.  I just don't understand when I don't call for two weeks "they"think I'm dealing with another woman."  In unison the women at the table gave an unmistakable, "Uhhhh... YEAH" agreement.  

Wanting to cut to the chase and get to the part of his brain that allows him to think that sleeping with various women and "keeping it movin'" doesn't label him a player, which by the way he denies being; I asked, "So you wouldn't court a woman?"  He laughed and asked, "For what?  Every woman isn't worth courting. If we go out for a couple of drinks I got mine and she got hers..."  With my face similar to the above picture, his friend interjects and asks a question that literally raised me from my seat and made me head toward the door, "Why do you have to court a woman?"

Once the night had ended, my heart was heavy for the single black women out there who are looking for qualified black men.  The pickings are slim if this is the mentality they have to endure.  Call me old fashion, but I believe in chivalry, the man making the first move on a woman, paying when going out, opening doors, pulling out chairs and walking on the outside of them when in the street, but this conversation showed me that if this is how these men are thinking when it comes to dating a woman, chivalry is definitely dead.  Don't get me wrong, I also believe in a women knowing how to do for themselves and illustrating independence, but my goodness the notion of both of us reaching for the check at the same time on a first date is foreign to me and downright disgusting.  And if a woman does reach for the check, it should be an insult to the man she is with and a subliminal message that all she wants to do is pay for this shit and get the hell out of dodge.

Of course these two men didn't see it that way and I was done with trying to school them.  In that moment I shot a look to the couple in our party across the table from me.  As this girl hung on her man like a hanger in a closet all I thought was how clueless and detached she is from this reality of which we were speaking.  And even though I'm in a long term, exclusive relationship, I'm not callous to the struggles of single women looking for love.  I'm just blessed that it isn't me on the other side of the table on a first date with these guys.